Finding normal in the ordinary

Here’s how Tuesday’s County Commission meeting went for me:

I bought a Christmas tree.

OK, I guess technically, the tree purchase occurred Monday. But both the tree shopping and attending the commission meeting felt like major steps, considering recent events.

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I don’t want to belabor the point, but I’m paying attention to folks who tell me to take my time on this grief thing. That’s why I’ll break down the meeting in Thursday’s blog.

There is so much to learn and experience. I’m following the advice of those who have walked this path and thrived — widows, widowers, and others who have lost life partners. They’re experts in a field that few outside that world can understand.

I sure didn’t. I mean, I grieved with friends whose spouses died. But I did not, could not, grasp the intense mystery of that pain. It simply existed in a place I’d never visited.

That’s why I’ve followed in the footsteps of people like Ralph Massullo, who was elected to the state Senate on Tuesday.

Ralph loves politics, no doubt. He’s very good at it. He’s also a widower of 10 months, and I now understand the courage it took Ralph to get out and campaign without his precious Patty at his side.

I mean…I had trouble at Tuesday’s County Commission meeting. Why? Well, guess how I’ve been entertained through four hours of Citrus County politics? Texting with Deb, that’s how. Deb always had an interest in the inside baseball of politics, and we’d text snide remarks to one another while she watched the meeting at home.

That void felt heavy Tuesday. Another memory I don’t know what to do with.

Friends often ask how I’m doing. That answer can change depending on a number of factors. Overall, though, I’m doing OK. I’m continuing to move forward with routines, even though — gotta be honest here — I have so little interest even in the normalcy of life.

Like getting a Christmas tree.

Deb’s passing (I cannot bring myself, yet, to use any other word than that) really messed up my world. Among all the negative emotions is the feeling of dread that I no longer fit. I can see why isolation is so prevalent with the brokenhearted. I not only avoid being seen, I convince myself (it’s easy) that no one wants to see me either.

The devil’s a liar, as many people have noted. The only way to combat that, they say, is to combat it.

That means getting out for a Christmas tree. And attending a County Commission meeting. Routine, normal stuff.

So, my tree story.

I chose Target. It’s become a favorite shopping destination.

I found the artificial trees. Most people have theirs by now, so I’d expect a few price downs. Not like the one I found, though:

Four bucks.

It’s 7 feet, in three pieces, no lights attached, as no-frills as a real tree. Only the floor model left, so it was discounted 90%. 

I brought it home and found a corner behind my desk. Hung some lights up and added a little Christmas to the house.

Come Tuesday, I knew I had to attend the last board meeting of the year. I sat in my regular seat, back row on the aisle, and tried to focus on the proceedings.

I’ll get into this more on Thursday, but it felt right being there. The board had a great meeting, Commissioner Diana Finegan seems like a good fit as Chair, and the commissioners had some very insightful discussions. They don’t know it, but these five are helping me heal just by doing what they do.

It’s an adventure, folks, certainly not one I wanted or would ever request. 

How am I doing? Getting there, one day at a time.

A $4 Christmas tree helps.

Have a great Wednesday, friends.

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