Leading me out of the darkness

My friend Vicki walked up to me Tuesday at the Veterans Parade with a big hug.

She knew I needed it. 

Vicki lost her husband five years ago. Certain memories, such as the annual Vets Day parade, stir up deep feelings of sadness.

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Yet, she’s out there on a cold Tuesday morning participating in life, just as she does every day.

This is going to sound very stupid, but in the loneliness of losing my Deb I’ve become rather aware that I’m not alone at all.

Turns out, we have quite a few widows and widowers in our community.

I’m a statistic geek even in my grief, so of course I had to look it up. According to the Census, our marriage rate is 56%. Little over half the county. Of those, 4% are widowers and 16% widowed.

The county’s population is about 167,000, which makes about 93,500 married. The gender split countywide is 51% female. We’ll make it even for the sake of simplicity. That’s 46,750 married men and 46,750 married women.

If the data is accurate, Citrus County has 7,500 widows and 1,870 widowers.

Man, oh man. That's a lot of pain. What I didn’t comprehend before Oct. 24 is crystal clear today. There is nothing to prepare a person for this. While the support and love from friends and family are very much appreciated, truth be told, they don’t resonate like that of someone who walks this path.

When Vicki hugs me at the parade, there is instant recognition of shared deeply personal grief. Doesn’t matter that Vicki’s grief isn’t the same as mine. What matters is the recognition.

Here’s how I best explain it. The 12-step recovery success starts with one drunk/addict talking to another. I had numerous people over the years give me all the good reasons to stop drinking. But it wasn’t until I attended my first 12-step meeting and was able to identify with sober alcoholics did it register that there’s a life I never knew existed. They spoke my language.

Two weeks into the widower world, I’m seeing similarities. Widows and widower friends are quietly reaching out with advice, observations, and encouragement. Lots and lots of prayer.

And, like 12-steppers, the advice isn’t “Here’s what I would do if I was you.” No, it’s: “I went through that exact experience and here’s how I got through it.” 

One of my friends lost his wife two years ago. He sends me daily encouragement but isn’t pushy. When I ask for advice, he’s pretty direct.

He and many others have told me the same thing: Get used to it. The grief eases but never disappears. Grieve on my own schedule, not someone else’s. Avoid isolation. Have a plan for the day every morning. Ask for help. Ask for help (yup, had to say it twice). Cut myself some slack. Stay healthy.

Numerous folks have suggested Grief Share. I’ll give that some thought. Honestly, the blog helps. It’s like journaling with 9,000 of my closest friends.

Finally, to my fellow widows and widowers: I am so sorry for your loss. Whether it was yesterday, five years ago, or Oct. 24, 2025. Know that you are loved, you are not alone (though it often feels that way), and friends want to help. 

But nothing totally removes that hurt. You know it. And now I do too.

Have a great Wednesday, friends.

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